The Wrong Archive
by Ruthie
Summary: What if the Asgard downloaded the wrong archive into Jack's brain?


Title: The Wrong Archive  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: Wide range of Disney films, The Fifth Race  
  
Summary: What if the Asgard downloaded the wrong archive into Jack's brain?  
  
Author Notes: Humour, Crossovers. You need to have a very detailed knowledge of Disney Films - if you don't understand anything, email me at: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
All mention of the Disney films, and the dialogue used in them, is copyright to their various authors. I had no part in making any of them, no money has exchanged hands and no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
~ The Wrong Archive ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
IMPORTANT: My email address has changed samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk is NO LONGER ACTIVE! My new address is jm-webmistress@fsmail.net Please update your address books accordingly. Thank you!  
  
**********  
  
Jack fell back onto the floor, unconscious. The alien device on the wall was still once more.  
  
"We must return him to the SGC immediately," Teal'c said, grabbing hold of his CO and following Sam and Daniel out of the cave.  
  
Back at the SGC, General Hammond ordered the iris to be opened, and SG-1 stepped through - the unconscious Jack being carried by Teal'c in a somewhat awkward fireman's lift.  
  
"Medical team to the gateroom!" Hammond bellowed, going over to SG-1. "What happened?"  
  
"We found what we believe to be an alien device, sir - it, grabbed hold of his head. Eventually it let him go, but he's not regained consciousness."  
  
"Go. Debrief in one hour, Captain."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
**********  
  
After they had showered and changed, Sam, Daniel and Teal'c made their way to the infirmary to visit Jack. He was awake - they could hear him halfway down the corridor.  
  
"Doc, there is nothing wrong with me!" he grumbled, as his teammates walked in.   
  
"Carter, tell the doc that there's nothing wrong with me!"  
  
"Well, sir, you were temporarily incapacitated by an alien device, so..."  
  
"For crying out loud, Carter! Teal'c! Buddy! You can bust me outta here!" Jack said, swinging his legs off of the edge of the bed.  
  
"Indeed not, O'Neill. I was forced to transport you back here on my shoulder. I do not believe that to be a normal occurrence."  
  
"Janet, is the Colonel fit to be debriefed?" Sam asked.  
  
"Well...I don't see why not," Janet said, "But if you start feeling strange, or anything untoward happens..."  
  
"I'll come crawling back," Jack finished. "Don't worry, doc, there's nothing wrong with me!"  
  
"I've heard that before," Janet said, raising her eyebrows at Sam, "Go on - before I change my mind!"  
  
**********  
  
"Colonel," General Hammond said, watching his 2IC sit down, "Are you sure you're okay to do this?"  
  
"For crying out loud, General!" Jack began, then had a mysterious twitch, "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?"  
  
General Hammond frowned. "Colonel? What are you talking about? My mother?"  
  
"What? I said there was nothing wrong with me, and there isn't!" Jack protested.  
  
Sam shook her head. "Colonel, you just asked General Hammond if his mother ever told him not to play with his food."  
  
"I did not!"  
  
"I'm sorry, sir - but you did," Sam said, with an awkward smile.  
  
"Danny - back me up here!" Jack said, looking across the table at Daniel, whose glasses were falling down his nose again.  
  
"Sorry, Jack - I know what I heard," he said, pushing his glasses back up his nose.  
  
Jack sighed, defeated. "Let's just get on with it, shall we?" he asked, folding his arms. "The aliens are called The Asgard."  
  
"Okay. Our mission began..."  
  
Two hours later, the de-briefing finished, and Jack was the first to leave the room, almost running for his office. What the hell was going on with him?  
  
"Captain," General Hammond said, "I'd like you to keep an eye on him, with Dr Jackson and Teal'c."  
  
"Yes, sir, I'll do my best," she said, and went off in search of her commanding officer.   
  
***********  
  
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with me!" Jack shouted, kicking his waste paper bin to pieces.   
  
"Well, actually, Jack - there is. Sam's working on it right now, but she thinks that maybe the alien device downloaded something into your brain," Daniel explained.  
  
"How the hell does she know that already?" Jack asked, "We've only been back 4 hours!"  
  
"She's a smart woman," Daniel said, pushing his glasses back up his nose.  
  
Jack went over to the door and kicked at it angrily. "Where's Sam?" he asked.  
  
"Uh...well...I think she must be in her lab, but..."  
  
"Come on then!" Jack said, opening the door and going out into the corridor.  
  
"Jack, what are you doing?"  
  
"Gypsies don't do well inside stone walls," Jack said seriously, and continued on.   
  
Daniel stopped in his tracks. "Gypsies don't...WHAT?"  
  
When they came to Sam's lab and knocked on the door, Daniel's worry was increasing. Jack wasn't even aware of what he'd just said - he needed to get back to Doctor Fraiser.  
  
"Dammit, Daniel - where is she?" he asked.  
  
"I don't know, Jack - why do you need to see her so badly?" Daniel asked, pulling his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiping his glasses.  
  
"I'll find her if I have to burn down all of Paris!" Jack growled, starting off down another corridor.  
  
Daniel stood still, in shock and wonder. "Burn down Paris? Wha - JACK! Wait!"  
  
**********  
  
Janet shone a flashlight in Jack's eye as he groaned in annoyance.   
  
"Doc? Are ya done yet?"  
  
"No, Colonel. Something very strange is happening to you, and we need to find out what." Janet said, putting the light away.  
  
"There's nothing wrong!" Jack moaned.  
  
Janet put her hands on her hips and sighed. "Colonel, Daniel is not a Gypsy, and Paris is thousands of miles from here. You couldn't burn it down."  
  
"Janet, what the hell are you talking about?"  
  
"You said to Daniel a moment ago: 'Gypsies don't do well inside stone walls'. Then, when you couldn't find Sam, you told Daniel: 'I'll find her if I have to burn down all of Paris."  
  
"I did not!"  
  
"I'm afraid you did, Colonel. Something has gone on inside your head, and we need to find out what. Sam's working on it right now, she'll come and see you later."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No buts, Colonel. Now, lie back and relax. How's that?"  
  
Jack twitched. "On a scale of one to ten, you are an eleven."  
  
Janet sighed, and Daniel wrote it down. "They're getting worse," Janet said, feeling Jack's forehead.  
  
**********  
  
The next morning, Janet went in desperation to General Hammond.  
  
"Sir, I'm afraid that Colonel O'Neill may be more ill than we previously thought. He's started spouting complete gibberish that makes no sense at all.   
  
Here's a list of what he's been saying."  
  
General Hammond looked at it, his eyes narrowing.  
  
"Gypsies don't do well inside stone walls? Burn down Paris? On a scale of....Doctor, what is he talking about?" Hammond asked.  
  
"We have no idea, sir, and neither does he. He doesn't even remember what he's talking about."  
  
"And where is Captain Carter? She should be able to shed some light on this."  
  
"She's gathering information - said that she needed some more experience - she'll be back this morning, General."  
  
"Be sure to send her to my office when she gets here," Hammond said, "Is Colonel O'Neill a threat to anyone? Is he a threat to himself?"  
  
"No, sir. He's just the way he would be - apart from the gibberish."  
  
Janet walked back to the infirmary and poked her head around Jack's cubicle.  
  
"Hey, Colonel," she smiled, "How are you feeling today?"  
  
"This is no ordinary lamp!" he shouted.  
  
Janet sighed sadly, and pulled the curtain back. She hoped that Sam would be back with help soon.  
  
**********  
  
"Thanks!" Sam said, hanging up the phone and picking up her coat. Now she had the expertise to help Colonel O'Neill. With a sigh of relief, she started for the SGC.  
  
"Sam!" Janet shouted, as she saw her friend down the corridor, "He's getting worse!"  
  
"Have you been making a record of what he's been saying?" Sam asked, as she jogged down the corridor beside her friend.  
  
"Yes, we've got it all written down - why?" Janet asked.  
  
"I think I might know what's going on here," Sam said, rounding the corner and going into the infirmary. She could hear Teal'c trying to get some sense out of him.  
  
"O'Neill! O'Neill, you must try to calm down!"  
  
"Trust me, my pungent friend," Jack drawled, "You'll get what's coming to you."  
  
Sam pulled the curtain back and looked in agony at her CO. Teal'c looked at Sam and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Pungent friend?" he asked.  
  
"It...uh...he means you smell, Teal'c."  
  
The eyebrow arched higher, and Sam hurriedly added, "But he's insane, Teal'c - you don't smell."  
  
At that moment, Jack locked his gaze on Sam's.  
  
"It's a guuurl!" he shrieked.  
  
"Well done, Jack," Sam said, "Good that you've finally noticed that."  
  
**********  
  
"Well, Captain?" General Hammond asked.  
  
"Well, what the device has done is downloaded one of the Asgard's archives into Jack's brain. Unfortunately...I think it might be the wrong one."  
  
"What is this archive?" Hammond asked.  
  
Sam bit her lip in embarrassment. "Uh...they're from Disney films, sir."  
  
"Captain?" Hammond asked dryly.  
  
"I had to check with Cassie, just to be sure, but the dialogue he's repeating comes from several of the Walt Disney animations." She smiled nervously, and Hammond still looked at her as if she was crazy.  
  
"Captain, you'll forgive me if I find this hard to believe..."  
  
"General, please. I understand how weird this must sound, but I can back it up.   
  
You remember when Colonel O'Neill said he'd find me if he had to burn down the whole of Paris?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"That's from a film called 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It's where Lord Frodo is referring to the gypsy Esmerelda, because he thinks she's practising witchcraft, and..."  
  
"Captain," Hammond said.  
  
"Sorry, sir," she said, stopping her synopsis halfway, "Other films he's quoted from are Aladdin and Snow White - and the Lion King."  
  
"Even if this is true," Hammond said, "Why the hell do the Asgard have an archive of Walt Disney Animated Classics?"  
  
Sam shrugged.  
  
**********  
  
Jack stepped out of bed and crept out of the infirmary, heading for the commissary. On his way, he bumped into Graham Simmons.  
  
"Oh, hey Colonel!" Simmons said, "Sorry, I didn't...Colonel, are you okay?"  
  
Jack frowned at him. "You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat - and only your fleas will mourn you!"  
  
With that, he took off down the corridor.  
  
Graham blinked, and then frowned. What the hell?  
  
Jack entered the commissary and went over to the serving counter. The woman behind it had a name label which read: MARIA.  
  
"Hey, Colonel!" she said, "What would you like today? We have some green jello if you'd like it."  
  
"Sure," he said, taking his tray over to a table and sitting down. Maria soon joined him.  
  
"So...how's it going with your 2IC?" Maria asked, waggling her eyebrows.  
  
"I don't know what you mean," he said gruffly, poking at the jello with a fork.  
  
"Oh, come on Jack!" she said, "Everyone can tell that you two have a special kind of attraction!"  
  
Jack's ear twitched violently for a moment.  
  
"Colonel? Colonel are you alright?" Maria asked.  
  
"Then tell me, Maria! Why I see her dancing there, why her smouldering eyes still scorch my soul!"  
  
Maria nodded slowly, then got up and edged away from the table.  
  
Jack ate a mouthful of jello, decided that he didn't like it and left the room.  
  
**********  
  
"Okay. So, what can we do about him?" General Hammond asked, "We just had a call from Maria in the commissary saying that he started singing to her."  
  
"What did he say?" Janet asked.  
  
"Then tell me, Maria! Why I see her dancing there, why her smouldering eyes still scorch my soul!"  
  
"That's from the same film," Sam said, "He's getting worse - now he's started on the songs, there's no telling how to stop him."  
  
"General, he's almost completely lost the ability to speak English."  
  
"Saddle up, kid!" Jack said, bounding into the briefing room, "We're going to Thebes!"  
  
"Colonel," Sam said, "Why don't you come and sit down?"  
  
"Sam, aren't we forgetting one itsy-bitsy but ever-so-crucial little tiny detail? I OWN YOU!"   
  
"Hercules," Sam said to the others. "Come on, Colonel - there's a chair over there."  
  
"No man is worth the aggravation..." Jack began to sing.  
  
"No, Colonel," Sam said nervously, "You're quite right there."  
  
**********  
  
Later, Sam was talking to Sergeant Siler.  
  
"How bad is he?"  
  
"It's getting serious. He's quoted at least once from five different films, and he's starting on the songs now too."  
  
"My God. Is there no way to help him?"  
  
"The Asgard are the only ones that can help now," Sam said.  
  
"Try and get some rest, Sam," Siler said, not noticing Jack coming up behind him.  
  
"Thanks, Siler," she said. "You have anything nice planned for tonight?"  
  
"Well, I thought I'd have a swim before I went home..."  
  
"Oh, did I forget to mention this? You'll be dead before you get out!" Jack shouted.  
  
Siler jumped and turned around. Sam put her hand on his shoulder and steered him out of the way.  
  
"It's okay - he's a little unstable at the moment, as I'm sure you can understand."  
  
As Siler left, Jack frowned and pouted.  
  
"I wanna be, where the people are. I wanna see, wanna see them dancing..."  
  
Sam cringed. "Come on, Colonel," she said, "It's okay. Let's get you back to your office..."  
  
**********  
  
"He's now started on two new films, with the songs," Sam said, "Hercules and The Little Mermaid."  
  
"How many more are there?" Hammond asked.  
  
Daniel pushed his glasses back up his nose. "Lots," he said, "I think we should be grateful that he hasn't found Fantasia yet."  
  
"I will watch him tonight," Teal'c said, "But first I will require some..."  
  
"Earplugs?" Sam asked, "Here ya go."  
  
"Thank you, Captain Carter. Wish me luck. Please."  
  
"Good luck, Teal'c."  
  
Teal'c stuck his head around the door and watched Jack for a moment. He appeared to be sleeping, but Teal'c could tell that he was still awake. His foot was still twitching, for one.  
  
"O'Neill?" he asked.  
  
"Sebastian!" Jack cried elatedly.  
  
"Indeed," Teal'c groaned, sitting down beside Jack. "How is life under the sea?"  
  
"Darling, it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me!" Jack sang.  
  
Three hours later, Jack had switched back to Aladdin.  
  
"Prince Ali, Noble is he, Ali Ababoir! Strong as 10 regular men, down on one knee!"  
  
Teal'c crawled under the bed and fought his strong urge to run away.  
  
"Indeed, O'Neill!" he shouted from under the bed, trying to quiet his friend.  
  
**********  
  
The next morning, every member of the SGC was given a set of earplugs, and for a terribly good reason.  
  
"IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!"  
  
**********  
  
"I WANNA BE, WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE!"  
  
**********  
  
"OH I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO BE KING!"  
  
**********  
  
"NO CHANCE, NO WAY, I WON'T SAY IT - NO NO!"  
  
**********  
  
"THE HEAT IS INTENSE IT'S BARBARIC, BUT HEY - IT'S HOME!"  
  
**********  
  
"I SWEAR IT MUST BE HEAVEN'S LIIIIIGHT!"  
  
**********  
  
"ARABIAN NIIIIIIIIIIGHTS AND ARABIAN DAAAAAAAYS!"  
  
**********  
  
Sam rubbed her aching temples and sank back in her chair, reaching in desperation across the table for some aspirin.  
  
"Remind me to fire whoever it was who made these earplugs," Hammond muttered.  
  
Suddenly, all of the lights in the SGC went out, and the klaxons began to wail.  
  
"UNSCHEDULED OFFWORLD ACTIVATION! UNKNOWN SOURCE!"  
  
SG-1 ran into the gateroom to be greeted by a small grey alien.  
  
"Hello?" Hammond asked.  
  
"I am Thor, of the Asgard. I understand that one of your race has become afflicted."  
  
"Yes. Can you do anything to help?" Hammond asked.  
  
"We can erase the data from his brain, yes. Where is he?"  
  
"Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's off to work we go!"  
  
"There," Sam said, putting her hands to her ears.  
  
Thor walked over to Jack and put his hand on his head. Then, without warning, Jack collapsed to the ground.  
  
"He is healed," Thor informed them.  
  
"Uh...Thor?" Sam asked, "If you don't mind my asking...what were you doing with an archive of Disney Films?"  
  
Thor blushed, and blinked in embarrassment.  
  
"I am sorry Captain Carter, but there has been an incident at the Asgard homeworld that requires my immediate attention. Goodbye!"  
  
With that, Thor disappeared.  
  
"I get the feeling that he was a little embarrassed, Captain."  
  
"Me too, sir. It does make you wonder, though..."  
  
THE END 


End file.
